For Some Reason, I Refuse To Grow Up

Hey. Today I screwed up. I was supposed to be babysitting my neighbors’ son, and I fell asleep. I’m supposed to be eighteen, and I can’t even force myself to stay awake to babysit a freaking nine-year-old. I’m actually kind of glad his dad came home for a second and saw me sleeping, because it would’ve been killing me, but I don’t know if I would’ve had the (figurative) balls to tell them. And they should know that I wasn’t watching their kid. I swear, every good thing I have going in my life, I end up fucking it up.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Always.

Why? Because I won’t fucking grow up and take an ounce of fucking responsibility. I had a job for two weeks in November. I was late twice. Granted, one time it was their fault, because they didn’t tell me I was supposed to work at 6 in the morning, and I had called to ask if the schedule was up the day before, and it wasn’t. Plus, then they just seemed to forget I even existed after two weeks. But still.

I’m so fucking stupid. I’m worse than a fucking toddler. Toddlers at least learn from their mistakes. I keep making the same ones. Over. And. Over. And. Over.

It’s like I don’t even fucking care that I’m ruining my fucking life, and I do. Trust me. This fuck-up will eat away at me for months, at the very least. There are some things I did when I was eleven that are still torturing me.

You’d think that with the way I beat myself up over everything, I’d learn a little. Apparently not. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can’t I ever make a good decision for once in my fucking life?! And believe me, I am responsible for all of these decisions.

I swear, whenever I start to do a little better in one part of my life, it’s like I’m like, “well, I guess I don’t have to work hard to get everything else as good as it can be.”

I was just thinking that, all of the shit I do to people, I hope someone does it to me someday, because I deserve it. But then I thought, no, I don’t. Because then I would feel like, in some way, I was redeemed by the same thing happening to me. And I don’t deserve that.

I wish I could literally beat myself up.

-Sam

Advertisements