Hey! I just realized something now, something that I don’t think has ever really hit me before- I want to be successful. So badly. But right now, when I say that I’ll be successful… well, it’s not gonna happen if I don’t make some major life improvements. And fast. I have so many goals for the future (some of them realistic and down-to-earth, and some of them a little out-of-the-ordinary), but many of them depend on my achievements of now and of the next few years, like if I attend a good college. I want to be comfortable with money. I don’t want to have to worry about sending my future (six?) kids to private schools because the public school sucks (it might not, but I want to stay living in my town when I grow up, so unless there are some major changes, then that’s going to be a reality). I want to be able to donate a shit-ton of money to childhood cancer research, because those kids are worth more than 3%. I want to be someone big.
Have I ever mentioned before that my favorite car ever is a yellow Porsche 911 Turbo? And no, it’s not because of Alice Cullen. Not at all. I loved this car before New Moon was even published (I think that’s the one where Alice and Bella steal the car to save Edward?). To be honest, my love for this car is because of a video game, Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit 2 (PS2 version). Which, by the way, was released on October 1, 2002. Yes, I know, I was only four then, but we got it a couple years later when my Uncle gave my brother and I our very own PS2 (yes, I was a video game addict at probably the age of 7). Now, back to the point. As you should know, it’s a lot of money. But if I’m successful, I can eventually buy one. Except, if I keep going at this rate, I’m not even going to go to college.
This is the best car ever. Seriously.
Did you know that I’m a genius? No, seriously- my IQ (I forget the exact number, I’ll ask my mom later and then give you an update) is above the number that is considered to be genius (I’ll ask my mom on what that number is and get back to you on that one, too). Also, like I said in a previous post, I scored in the top 1% in the country when I took the placement exam for my high school. I’m a literal genius, and I’m failing history. I got a 17 on a quiz. A freaking 17. I got straight A’s in elementary and middle school, and now I’m doing horrible in high school. Why? How? I know that really, really smart people (like me, apparently) tend to do really, really bad in school, but my question is this: if I’m called an enigma in literally everything else, then why must I be normal in this case? To be blunt, it seriously blows.
I don’t understand why I’m having so much trouble in school. I mean, it’s not like I hate it. Quite the contrary, actually- I love my school, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I actually cry when I think about leaving BCHS. Especially because I’d be leaving Mr. Rose and Ms. Picone. Now that would suck, leaving them. I just, I don’t know what’s going on. Why can’t I do it? Like I said, I’m a freaking genius! I should be able to do this easily. Why can’t I? Why?
My parents say I might not go back to BCHS next year if there isn’t some drastic improvement in both my grades and my behavior (that’s for another post, in which my confusion will most likely be very clear). That scares me. So much. For one, because that would mean going back to my town’s school, where the kids are just plain cruel, horrible excuses for human beings. But mostly because that would mean leaving so much behind. I would be leaving my friends (the only non-BCHS friend I have is Gabby), Mr. Rose, Ms. Picone, the general niceness of BCHS, the helpfulness… everything. That right there terrifies me. I can’t leave this. I can’t.
I’m in so much trouble, for everything that’s happened (and some things that haven’t), it’s not even funny. I’m pretty much under house arrest without being a literal criminal. I’m not allowed to do anything, even watch Grey’s Anatomy D: Which really, really sucks, because now I’m two episodes behind. Besides that, my parents have a meeting with my school on Monday at 3:00, and they’re making me go (so, pray, think, whatever you do, for me at 3:00 pm EST on Monday! I’ll need it! 😦 ), so that should be torture. I want to cry just thinking about it. But besides that, because I’m in trouble, my stupid oldest brother (he’s 13) has been trying to feed in to my parent’s anger to try and get me in trouble. Here’s an example: two nights ago, he had to switch over the laundry. He was mad at me for some reason, and he closed the basement door when he went downstairs. Well, I went to tell my mom something (luckily) and all of a sudden we hear a bang and a “HEY!” This repeats a few times until my mom says “knock it off! She’s up here!” My brother goes “Oh” and the basement door squeaks open. He barely got in trouble for it, though. And he denied it, saying the door was jammed. But do you see what I mean?!
My life is filled with “if’s” and question marks. Because right now, that’s what my future is. One big question mark. I could be a huge success. But, the way I’m going, I could be a giant failure. I really don’t know. I wish I could say, “I’m going to be a success!” But I honestly don’t know right now. And that’s sad.
Which way will I go?
Seriously, though, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m about to fail history for the year, and my life is falling apart. I really, really hope it gets better, but one question lingers in the back of my mind: what if it doesn’t? Well, I don’t know, Sam. I just don’t know.
P.S. As always, the original image URLs can be found by clicking the images.