For Some Reason, I Refuse To Grow Up

Hey. Today I screwed up. I was supposed to be babysitting my neighbors’ son, and I fell asleep. I’m supposed to be eighteen, and I can’t even force myself to stay awake to babysit a freaking nine-year-old. I’m actually kind of glad his dad came home for a second and saw me sleeping, because it would’ve been killing me, but I don’t know if I would’ve had the (figurative) balls to tell them. And they should know that I wasn’t watching their kid. I swear, every good thing I have going in my life, I end up fucking it up.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Always.

Why? Because I won’t fucking grow up and take an ounce of fucking responsibility. I had a job for two weeks in November. I was late twice. Granted, one time it was their fault, because they didn’t tell me I was supposed to work at 6 in the morning, and I had called to ask if the schedule was up the day before, and it wasn’t. Plus, then they just seemed to forget I even existed after two weeks. But still.

I’m so fucking stupid. I’m worse than a fucking toddler. Toddlers at least learn from their mistakes. I keep making the same ones. Over. And. Over. And. Over.

It’s like I don’t even fucking care that I’m ruining my fucking life, and I do. Trust me. This fuck-up will eat away at me for months, at the very least. There are some things I did when I was eleven that are still torturing me.

You’d think that with the way I beat myself up over everything, I’d learn a little. Apparently not. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can’t I ever make a good decision for once in my fucking life?! And believe me, I am responsible for all of these decisions.

I swear, whenever I start to do a little better in one part of my life, it’s like I’m like, “well, I guess I don’t have to work hard to get everything else as good as it can be.”

I was just thinking that, all of the shit I do to people, I hope someone does it to me someday, because I deserve it. But then I thought, no, I don’t. Because then I would feel like, in some way, I was redeemed by the same thing happening to me. And I don’t deserve that.

I wish I could literally beat myself up.

-Sam

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In Less Than One Month I Will No Longer Be A Child

Hey. As some of you may know, in less than a month, on September 11, I will turn eighteen and will officially be an adult. Yikes.

I don’t feel like an adult. And I certainly don’t feel anywhere near ready to not be a child any more! It’s crazy. I don’t even feel seventeen! How am I supposed to feel like an adult when I already feel younger than I really am?!

I don’t want to grow up. Seriously, I have enough problems dealing with the responsibility of being an almost-adult as it is. Besides, I still don’t even schedule my own doctor’s appointments!

How can I be less than a month away from being an adult?

I don’t drive yet. I don’t even have my permit! I’ve had enough problems dealing with the process of enrolling in college. How am I supposed to navigate adulthood?

We're Adults Quote

Seriously, Grey’s Anatomy has the best quotes for anything!  click for original picture 

I keep trying to tell myself that I’m just worrying over nothing, that it’ll all be okay, but I can’t bring myself to believe it. Is this how everyone feels? Let me know your thoughts.

Okay, I was planning on a much longer post, but I have to go babysit in a couple minutes, so I have to go. Bye!

-Sam

 

Damn, Where The Hell Did 2015 Go?

Hey everyone. Yep, I’m still alive. I know I said I would try and start posting again, and I really have been meaning to. However, I’ve been struggling over the past few months. I don’t really know how to describe it other than by saying I still haven’t recovered from my latest relapse of Lyme symptoms. For the second time, when they recurred, my cognitive function was really hit hard. I stumble over my words; I know exactly what I want to say, but there’s a disconnect somewhere when I’m trying to actually communicate whatever it is that I’m trying to convey. To put it bluntly, it fucking sucks, especially when the one thing I have always prided myself on over the course of my entire life is my unique advanced mental capabilities.

But whatever. I’ve been dwelling on it so much lately that I don’t really want to get into it right now. Anyways, let me just say this:

Holy shit.

It’s already Christmas Eve?! How the hell did that happen? I’m not used to time flying by. I’ve only had five years of practice, and in those five years so many things have changed so drastically, it would be hard for me to keep up with even without factoring in time starting to seem to fly. Ever since my grandma died in June of 2010, at the end of my 6th grade year, time has flown by. I remember thinking to myself on the morning of 7th grade field day, in June of 2011, “Wait, it’s almost summer already? Didn’t school, like, just start again??”

2015 has been a pretty crappy year in itself, too. Well, maybe not majorly crappy so much as insanely stressful and marked by a horrible, monumentally life-altering event: my grandpa died in March.

My grandpa, my Papa, my mom’s dad… is dead.

Mammy & Papa

My mom’s parents. My Mammy and Papa. ❤

Both of my mom’s parents are now dead. Both died within the past five years. Both were my nice grandparents. My dad’s parents… well, I’ve had troubles with them in the past, and I’ll just leave it at that for now. Don’t get me wrong – I love them more than words can say and wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for either of them – but, basically, both of my nice grandparents are dead.

I can’t believe it’s Christmas Eve right now. What the fuck happened? It seems like it was Christmas just a couple months ago! This is freaking insane! I’m not used to this. I hate time flying. Especially because now it just makes Mammy and Papa move farther and farther away quicker and quicker.

Ugh… I haven’t slept all night, and I haven’t been sleeping good at all… well, for pretty much my entire life, but especially these last few weeks. Really, ever since my grandpa died, I guess, but these past couple of weeks have been really bad. I’m going to go try and sleep again. Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas or holiday or just a vacation, whatever this is for you. Bye!

-Sam