About That Dream I Had Last Night

Hey. I haven’t slept in about three days. Before that, I slept for one night, and then hadn’t for the three days prior to that night. Well, not really. I mean, I’ve been able to get half-asleep, to the point where I start to dream, but I’m not actually sleeping. It’s wicked annoying.

So last night, in my half-asleep state, I had a dream that has left me feeling peaceful all day. There’s really no other word to describe it. I was at a picnic table with my mom, who was sitting across from me. My three siblings were there, too, except they were just in the background. My two friends from the Lion’s Club, Dawn and Jeff, were sitting at the picnic table behind me. I was talking to my mom (I don’t remember about what), and I looked down at the table for a second, and when I looked up, my grandma and grandpa were standing there, to the right of my mom.

Mammy & Papa Cropped

Yes, I know I use this picture a lot, but I just love it.

Now, if you remember, I’ve posted before about how my mom’s parents are both dead. Mammy died in June of 2010, and Papa died in March of 2015. So, in this dream, my dead grandparents are suddenly standing right in front of me. They weren’t angels or anything, and don’t exactly have a heavenly glow around them, but I could tell they were appearing from heaven. I mean, aside from the fact that they’re both dead. They just gave off this aura. I don’t know how to explain it.

As soon as I saw them, I started crying, and when I say (type?) crying, I mean big, ugly sobs. I wasn’t sad, though. I mean, I wasn’t crying because all of a sudden I was filled with this intense happiness, either, like people sometimes talk about, but I wasn’t grieving. The best explanation I can think of is that, in my dream, I was just filled with so much love and awe. I don’t really know.

Anyway, my mom was really worried because I suddenly just started crying my eyes out for no apparent reason, and kept asking me what was wrong. I leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, “I see Mammy and Papa. They’re both standing right there, smiling.” A couple tears slid out of her eyes, and somehow I knew I was the only one who could see them. I leaned back and said to Dawn and Jeff, “I see Mammy and Papa.”. Still sobbing, I looked back at Mammy and Papa and smiled at them. I looked back to Dawn and Jeff and say that they had started to cry, too.

When I looked back, Mammy was gone, and Papa was alone, still smiling and waving at me. Then, he started to fade away, although “fade” isn’t really the right word, exactly. It was more like he was morphing into a bright, soothing, yellow light. After he was gone, I stared at where they were standing, still sobbing more intensely than I ever had before, but feeling extremely at peace, and that was the end of the dream.

It was so nice to see my grandparents again, even in a dream. I was telling my mom about it today, and she said that it seems like Mammy and Papa visited me in a dream, that it wasn’t just my brain coming up with a random scenario for a dream. I’d like to think she’s right.

I’d say I had a pretty amazing start of 2017, wouldn’t you?

-Sam

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And Another Year Passes….

Hey. I’m sorry for not posting in pretty much over a year. Yeah, there’s been a post thrown in here or there, but not like I used to. I know I’ve said this before, but this time I’m really going to try to change that. My absence from this blog… well, I think posting is actually a helpful outlet for all the crap going on in my life.

In less than twelve hours from now, my grandfather will have been dead for a year. I still haven’t cried except for, like, literally less than two minutes right after I walked into his wake and saw his body lying in the casket. When my grandma died, she had already been cremated for her wake— all I saw was the urn. This, clearly, was different.

Mammy & Papa Cropped

I’m a crier. Not purposely, because I can’t control it— it’s just who I am. I cry when I’m upset. I cry when I’m sad. When I’m frustrated. Pissed off. Sometimes that irritates the hell out of me, because when I’m so pissed that I can literally feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins I really don’t want to cry because I want to keep my shit together in order to be taken seriously. That being said, you would think that I would’ve been able to cry about my grandpa, right? I mean, I cried for my grandma. But nope. Of course not.

You know, it kinda makes me wonder if I’m a horrible person, because how can a crier not cry over the death of someone they absolutely adored?! And yeah, I’ve heard all of the crap about how everyone grieves differently and how not everyone cries and blah blah blah, and I get it. I really do. But I’m still me. Granted, I’m now a sixteen- and seventeen-year-old me as opposed to an eleven- and twelve-year-old me, but still.

I’m a crier, and I haven’t cried for my dead grandpa. And he’s been dead for a year as of less than twelve hours from now.

But I think I want to be done discussing my slightly-worrisome lack of tears, so. Yeah.

In December, I binge-watched all ten-and-a-half seasons of Bones. Damn. That show is freaking AMAZING! But ugh, seriously! I CANNOT believe it took Booth and Brennan six freaking seasons to finally stop being stupid and realize they’re in love! SIX. FREAKING. SEASONS! Although, I did get a somewhat-popular post on Tumblr out of it:

Waiting For Booth And Brennan To Realize They're In Love

And yes, I know, 27 notes is kind of nothing, but for me, that’s the most attention any of my social media posts have ever gotten from complete strangers, which for some reason feels like an accomplishment.

I’ve just started watching Scandal on Netflix, too. I’m currently a little over halfway through the first episode of Season 4. God, Shonda Rhimes is a freaking genius! Seriously, I’m hooked! Jeez, she’s just so freaking amazing. Which kinda, you know, sucks, with her being an evil genius who lives to crush the hopes and dreams of all her viewers and all. Yeah… I’m a lost cause. There’s no going back! 🙂

Well, that’s it for now. I’m going to get back to watching Scandal. Plus, I’m trying to hang out with my friend S.B. tonight, so I’m going to go for now. Bye!

-Sam

Damn, Where The Hell Did 2015 Go?

Hey everyone. Yep, I’m still alive. I know I said I would try and start posting again, and I really have been meaning to. However, I’ve been struggling over the past few months. I don’t really know how to describe it other than by saying I still haven’t recovered from my latest relapse of Lyme symptoms. For the second time, when they recurred, my cognitive function was really hit hard. I stumble over my words; I know exactly what I want to say, but there’s a disconnect somewhere when I’m trying to actually communicate whatever it is that I’m trying to convey. To put it bluntly, it fucking sucks, especially when the one thing I have always prided myself on over the course of my entire life is my unique advanced mental capabilities.

But whatever. I’ve been dwelling on it so much lately that I don’t really want to get into it right now. Anyways, let me just say this:

Holy shit.

It’s already Christmas Eve?! How the hell did that happen? I’m not used to time flying by. I’ve only had five years of practice, and in those five years so many things have changed so drastically, it would be hard for me to keep up with even without factoring in time starting to seem to fly. Ever since my grandma died in June of 2010, at the end of my 6th grade year, time has flown by. I remember thinking to myself on the morning of 7th grade field day, in June of 2011, “Wait, it’s almost summer already? Didn’t school, like, just start again??”

2015 has been a pretty crappy year in itself, too. Well, maybe not majorly crappy so much as insanely stressful and marked by a horrible, monumentally life-altering event: my grandpa died in March.

My grandpa, my Papa, my mom’s dad… is dead.

Mammy & Papa

My mom’s parents. My Mammy and Papa. ❤

Both of my mom’s parents are now dead. Both died within the past five years. Both were my nice grandparents. My dad’s parents… well, I’ve had troubles with them in the past, and I’ll just leave it at that for now. Don’t get me wrong – I love them more than words can say and wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for either of them – but, basically, both of my nice grandparents are dead.

I can’t believe it’s Christmas Eve right now. What the fuck happened? It seems like it was Christmas just a couple months ago! This is freaking insane! I’m not used to this. I hate time flying. Especially because now it just makes Mammy and Papa move farther and farther away quicker and quicker.

Ugh… I haven’t slept all night, and I haven’t been sleeping good at all… well, for pretty much my entire life, but especially these last few weeks. Really, ever since my grandpa died, I guess, but these past couple of weeks have been really bad. I’m going to go try and sleep again. Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas or holiday or just a vacation, whatever this is for you. Bye!

-Sam