Thankful

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my family. I would not be who I am without you guys!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my friends, who accept me for who I am and love me anyway. I love you guys.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my wonderful neighbors. I’m so lucky to live in a neighborhood with you guys!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the amazing teachers I’ve had the blessing of having over the years, most who I am still in contact with. Thank you for helping me.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the wonderful authors who create worlds for me to escape to. Thank you for my escapes.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my autism diagnosis. It had been so relieving to finally know why I am the way that I am.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for SVU and that Olivia Benson still graces my TV screen every week.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Bluff City Law, an amazing new TV show that has made me cry every single episode. I am hoping and praying to see a season 2.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Barson. Even though we don’t get to see them together on our TV every week, I will always believe that they are meant to be together and Barba will come back to Liv, where he belongs.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for One Chicago. Finally, there are TV shows with regular crossovers on my TV screen. I am also thankful that January is not that far away and I won’t have to wait long to see what happens next!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Supernatural. Even though we’re almost at the end of the line, these past years have been great.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Marvel. The MCU has ruled my movie theater trips for a full decade now, and I couldn’t ask for anything better. I̶’̶m̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶k̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶I̶n̶f̶i̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶W̶a̶r̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶.̶ ̶S̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶t̶.̶

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my pets: Burban, Whiskey, Pippa, and Wayhaven. I love you, my little fur babies!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for memes. They help me find happiness and amusement in every day life.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for books. I don’t know what I would do without being able to escape into a book when things get rough.

-Sam

For Some Reason, I Refuse To Grow Up

Hey. Today I screwed up. I was supposed to be babysitting my neighbors’ son, and I fell asleep. I’m supposed to be eighteen, and I can’t even force myself to stay awake to babysit a freaking nine-year-old. I’m actually kind of glad his dad came home for a second and saw me sleeping, because it would’ve been killing me, but I don’t know if I would’ve had the (figurative) balls to tell them. And they should know that I wasn’t watching their kid. I swear, every good thing I have going in my life, I end up fucking it up.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Always.

Why? Because I won’t fucking grow up and take an ounce of fucking responsibility. I had a job for two weeks in November. I was late twice. Granted, one time it was their fault, because they didn’t tell me I was supposed to work at 6 in the morning, and I had called to ask if the schedule was up the day before, and it wasn’t. Plus, then they just seemed to forget I even existed after two weeks. But still.

I’m so fucking stupid. I’m worse than a fucking toddler. Toddlers at least learn from their mistakes. I keep making the same ones. Over. And. Over. And. Over.

It’s like I don’t even fucking care that I’m ruining my fucking life, and I do. Trust me. This fuck-up will eat away at me for months, at the very least. There are some things I did when I was eleven that are still torturing me.

You’d think that with the way I beat myself up over everything, I’d learn a little. Apparently not. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can’t I ever make a good decision for once in my fucking life?! And believe me, I am responsible for all of these decisions.

I swear, whenever I start to do a little better in one part of my life, it’s like I’m like, “well, I guess I don’t have to work hard to get everything else as good as it can be.”

I was just thinking that, all of the shit I do to people, I hope someone does it to me someday, because I deserve it. But then I thought, no, I don’t. Because then I would feel like, in some way, I was redeemed by the same thing happening to me. And I don’t deserve that.

I wish I could literally beat myself up.

-Sam