Just A Short Update On My Life

Hey guys. It’s been a while, I know. I keep meaning to write on here again, but I just never get around to it. I’m about to turn 22 next Friday (September 11, in case you forgot or didn’t know). Yesterday, I had blood drawn to test my blood type. As you know, I used to coach baseball, and I’m still connected with a lot of the parents. Well, the father of one of the boys I coached was in liver failure, and I was hoping I would be a match and be able to donate part of my liver to him. Turns out, it doesn’t matter if I’m a match or not, because he died last night. I’m pretty upset about it, and I’m also mad— not at anyone in particular, just in general, I guess. It just sucks, you know? Anyway, if you’re the praying type, please keep his mother, wife, and son in your prayers.

I’m not really in the mood to keep writing a post right now, so I’m gonna end it here. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get off my ass and give you guys another update within the next year, seeing as that’s been my record recently, but I won’t make any promises, because I’m shit at updating lately. Hope you’re all doing well!

-Sam

Thankful

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my family. I would not be who I am without you guys!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my friends, who accept me for who I am and love me anyway. I love you guys.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my wonderful neighbors. I’m so lucky to live in a neighborhood with you guys!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the amazing teachers I’ve had the blessing of having over the years, most who I am still in contact with. Thank you for helping me.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the wonderful authors who create worlds for me to escape to. Thank you for my escapes.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my autism diagnosis. It had been so relieving to finally know why I am the way that I am.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for SVU and that Olivia Benson still graces my TV screen every week.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Bluff City Law, an amazing new TV show that has made me cry every single episode. I am hoping and praying to see a season 2.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Barson. Even though we don’t get to see them together on our TV every week, I will always believe that they are meant to be together and Barba will come back to Liv, where he belongs.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for One Chicago. Finally, there are TV shows with regular crossovers on my TV screen. I am also thankful that January is not that far away and I won’t have to wait long to see what happens next!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Supernatural. Even though we’re almost at the end of the line, these past years have been great.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Marvel. The MCU has ruled my movie theater trips for a full decade now, and I couldn’t ask for anything better. I̶’̶m̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶k̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶I̶n̶f̶i̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶W̶a̶r̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶.̶ ̶S̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶t̶.̶

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my pets: Burban, Whiskey, Pippa, and Wayhaven. I love you, my little fur babies!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for memes. They help me find happiness and amusement in every day life.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for books. I don’t know what I would do without being able to escape into a book when things get rough.

-Sam

This Is How Barba Needs To Come Back To SVU

Hey! I know it’s been a while (actually over a year and a half). I’m now 21 years old, so yay me, I guess? My last post was in February of 2018, about how Benson and Barba are meant to be, and guess what? This post is going to be about that, too!

It has been 643 days since Raúl Esparza left SVU, and I’m still waiting for Barba to come back and give Liv and himself the happiness they both deserve. A while back, I figured out the perfect way for Barba to come back:

Late at night, preferably after a rough case, Liv is going to get a knock at her door. She’ll open it up to see Barba standing there. She’ll stare at him for a second in shock, and he’ll smile. He’ll launch into one of his perfect speeches, he’ll tell Liv how much he missed her, and then he’ll tell her, “You know how I told you I used to see the world in black and white before I met you? And how you made me see all the colors? Well, one day the colors became shades of grey again, and then went back to black and white, and I realized it wasn’t because of you that I see color— you are the color.”

Well, that, or Liv will get herself into a life-threatening situation (again) and Barba will be by her side at the hospital when she wakes up, and then tell her the same thing.

Either way, I just need them to be happy together.

Barba deserves Barson. Liv deserves Barson. Everyone deserves Barson.

-Sam

P.S. If the SVU writers see this and want to make it happen, I give you permission to use it 😂 Just credit me hahaha.

Barba And Benson Deserve To Be Happy Together

I’m sure I’ve previously mentioned that I’m absolutely obsessed with Law & Order: SVU. For those of you who haven’t watched the latest episode, STOP READING NOW. There will be spoilers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

At the end of the latest episode, The Undiscovered Country, longtime character and my personal favorite ADA on the show, Rafael Barba, quit after being found not guilty of second-degree murder, which he was charged with after unplugging a brain-dead baby (long story). Now, it’s always hard when a character leaves a show, especially when said character has been there for years, like Barba. However, what most upsets me, and the reason as to why I’ve been crying on and off for over twenty-four hours (don’t judge me), is because he left before the show had a chance to explore the romantic attraction between him and the main character, Olivia Benson.

Ever since Barba’s first appearance on SVU (season 14, episode 3, entitled Twenty-Five Acts), fans have wanted Liv and Barba to get together, and anyone who watches the show knows that the attraction between them is there, in part due to the fantastic chemistry between the actors who portray Liv and Barba (Mariska Hargitay and Raúl Esparza, respectively). It seemed only natural that the two characters would eventually develop a romantic relationship.

However, as of the most recent episode, that hasn’t happened, and things are looking very bleak for “Barson” (a blend of “Barba” and “Benson”) shippers such as myself, as the episode marked the departure of Raúl Esparza from SVU. Now, not only are we left without the one couple that everyone always expected to happen, as opposed to merely hoping it would, Liv is again left by her closest friend, confidant, and, in this case, romantic interest.

In their last scene together at the end of the episode, Barba talks about how, when they first met, he saw the law, right and wrong, in black and white before giving Liv a beautiful speech about how she’s changed him:

And then you, you started to weasel your way into my world and the black and white became different shades of gray. Don’t say it. Before I knew it there were blues and greens and yellows and reds. I’m you now, Liv. You opened my heart and I thank you for it.

-Rafael Barba

After this, Liv just says one word: “And?” And I know I can’t be the only one who expected and hoped beyond all hope that Barba was going to say “I love you” or kiss her or something. Instead, he simply tells her that he has to move on, and kisses her forehead (which is not the kiss I was referring to!).

And that was that.

All of my Barson hopes, dreams, and expectations died.

And I have spent the following twenty-four plus hours sobbing on and off (I’m not even exaggerating a little bit about this).

My only hope is that, while Raúl Esparza may no longer be part of the main cast, he will come back as a recurring character to give Liv and Barba a chance to be happy, like they both deserve. I’m having trouble convincing myself that this is the case, though. My Barson heart is broken.

They deserve better. *We* deserve better.

-Sam

P.S. As usual, the original URLs for the pictures can be found by simply clicking the pictures. I do not own any of the images used in this post

I’m Worried That My Future Kids Will Be The Genetic Dumping-Ground Of A Very Screwed-Up Person (A.K.A. Me)

Hey. My friend just had her second kid a couple of months ago, and I have a confession to make: I low-key stalk her Facebook page for updates on her two little munchkins, because they are so freaking adorable. That being said, I recently had a conversation with my friend, R, who was recently diagnosed with bipolar, and I was telling her about some of my experiences living with it. Of these two events, the former got me thinking about my future kids, and the latter got me wondering how fucking messed up my kids will be, given all of the shit I have going on.

Taking Crazy Pills GIF.gif

Would you like a list? Well, then here, have one:

  • chronic Lyme disease
  • bipolar
  • ADHD
  • OCD
  • anxiety
  • ODD
  • high-functioning autism / Asperger’s (same thing now, apparently)
  • POTS
  • migraines
  • alcoholism on both sides of my family

And I’m probably missing a whole bunch because there’s just so fucking much wrong with me.

So Much Crazier GIF

I can’t make this shit up. Even soap operas don’t have characters with this much shit going on with them! My kids don’t stand a chance!

Do any of you have stuff like this going on? Do you ever worry about passing it on?

-Sam

P.S. As usual, click the images for the original links.

In Which I Shamelessly Ask For Donations (For A Worthy Cause, Of Course)

Hey. As I’ve stated before, I have autism. I recently discovered that this qualifies me for a service dog. I’ve sent in the info, and have talked with the company, and found out that the cost is a little over $13,000 USD.

Yikes!

So, I’ve started a GoFundMe page. If you could donate, that would be great. Even if you can’t, it would help if you could just share the page. Please. I’m not begging I’m totally begging, but this would really help me a lot. Thanks for your time and consideration, and (hopefully) your donation.

-Sam

P.S. Just click this link or the one above to be taken to the page in a new tab.

P.P.S. Also, if you have any other ideas on fundraising (which I’ve only done once before and discovered I totally suck at), please share them with me in the comments or through an email (my email is on the right side). Thanks! 🙂

Here’s Why The Popular Vote Doesn’t Decide The Election

Almost a year after the 2016 presidential election, people are still complaining about how Hillary Clinton should be president because she won the popular vote. I’ve seen posts by some of these people asking “why should your vote count more than mine?” (can’t find the Facebook post to get the link, sorry). The answer is, it shouldn’t, and that is why we have the Electoral College. While I’m not saying it is perfect (I’ll talk more about this either later in the post or in another post), it is better than the popular vote being the deciding factor.

The way the Electoral College works is that each state has a certain amount of elected representatives who cast their votes based upon the outcome of their state’s popular vote (at least, that’s what they’re supposed to do). In most of the states, the candidate who the majority of the representatives vote for receives all of the votes from that state. However, there are exceptions, in which case each candidate gets any and all votes that are for them from the states that don’t follow the aforementioned all-or-nothing way.

There are two groups of elected representatives who cast their votes, the Senate and the House of Representatives. In the Senate, each state elects two Senators. In the House of Representatives, the number of representatives to be elected is based upon a state’s population. For example, as you can see in the below map of the number of seats in House of Representatives each state has (I don’t know if is correct or not, but it gets the point across), California, a heavily-populated state, has 55 representatives who vote, while Rhode Island, a state with a much smaller population than California, only has 4 seats in the House of Representatives.

Electoral Votes Map

click here for original image

Some of you may be wondering why there are two groups. Basically, when the current system was being created, people in small states were worried that the larger states would control the country if the system were based on population alone. This would be a problem because different states have different interests, obviously. However, the larger states didn’t think it would be fair if the smaller states had an equal say in things, since obviously the larger states were speaking on behalf of much more people. As a compromise, it was decided that there would be two groups of representatives, one based on population (House of Representatives) and one where every state has an equal say (Senate), and any bills would have to be passed by both groups in order to find their way to the president’s desk and be signed into law. I would add a link to a webpage that has more details, but I just wrote this all down from the top of my head from what I remember from a very detailed year of US I with Dos, and I’m too lazy I don’t feel like looking one up right now. However, feel free to use a Google search for more info. A good search term would probably be “origins of US electoral system” or something like that.

Circling back to the first paragraph of this post, this is exactly how no one person’s vote counts more than another’s (except for, of course, the elected Congressmen and women, but they’re supposed to vote the way their state did, as I stated above). If the election were decided on the popular vote alone, the larger states would have control of the Unites States simply because they have more people living there. The problem with that is that the economy of each state varies. For example, while one state’s economy may be centered around agriculture, another state’s economy may revolve around industry. Let’s say the agricultural state is less populated than the industrial state. If popular vote was the deciding factor in any decision affecting the economy, then the industrial state would have control, and while laws, reforms, and regulations that may help industry would most likely be passed, laws, reforms, and regulations that may help agriculture would be tossed aside, leaving the agricultural state to suffer.

Of course, as with any system, there are flaws. Personally, I think we should keep the idea of representatives, but divide each state into as many sections as it has votes (for example, Rhode Island would be divided into six sections, four for the House of Representatives and two for the Senate), and the outcome of the popular vote of each section should decide one vote. Also, it should not be a winner-take-all system, as it is in most states. Before I really get going outlining my plan for Electoral College reform (which I actually do have, because it was a history project of mine in high school), I’m going to stop myself, because that isn’t why I started this post. Another time, perhaps.

Before I begin to bore you (if I haven’t already), I’m going to end this post. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment below, or even use Google to try and find an answer. Thanks for reading!

-Sam

Politics

Hey. Fair warning, this is going to be a little rant. Okay, so for anyone who doesn’t live in the United States and don’t know what’s going on: people are losing their fucking minds over Donald Trump being elected president. Now, I’m not really planning to get into a debate about politics with this post; as I said, it’s more of a rant (I have a debate post coming up soon), so don’t expect anything like that.

Let me just say this: calm the fuck down, people! Yes, I find some of Trump’s comments absolutely abhorrent, but wanting the president to fail is like wanting the country to fail, wanting the country to fail is like wanting the American citizens to fail, and wanting the American citizens to fail is like wanting yourself to fail. Instead of working against him, why don’t you try working with him. Maybe try suggesting a legitimate alternative option to a plan he has that is more of a compromise to satisfy both sides. Or, here’s an idea: don’t fucking riot and expect no one to call you out on your shit!

I get that sometimes really disgusting people stage protests. However, that does not give you the right to crash their protest, which they had a permit for, and to incite violence! Get your own fucking permit and rally together to protest them!

Love him or hate him, he is our president, the leader of our country. Get on board and help this country succeed, or get the fuck out. It’s that simple (okay, maybe not really, but still).

I used to love politics, especially engaging in (civil) debates. However,anymore it’s like people automatically assume that if you disagree with them, you’re a homophobic asshole who kills puppies and steals candy from babies. That is not the way to get your point across. All it does is extend the divide between the two sides. Can’t we all just try and talk a little? I promise that you’ll get more, real progress that way than using the fucking barbaric tactics being used right now. Grow the fuck up, people!

-Sam

For Some Reason, I Refuse To Grow Up

Hey. Today I screwed up. I was supposed to be babysitting my neighbors’ son, and I fell asleep. I’m supposed to be eighteen, and I can’t even force myself to stay awake to babysit a freaking nine-year-old. I’m actually kind of glad his dad came home for a second and saw me sleeping, because it would’ve been killing me, but I don’t know if I would’ve had the (figurative) balls to tell them. And they should know that I wasn’t watching their kid. I swear, every good thing I have going in my life, I end up fucking it up.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Always.

Why? Because I won’t fucking grow up and take an ounce of fucking responsibility. I had a job for two weeks in November. I was late twice. Granted, one time it was their fault, because they didn’t tell me I was supposed to work at 6 in the morning, and I had called to ask if the schedule was up the day before, and it wasn’t. Plus, then they just seemed to forget I even existed after two weeks. But still.

I’m so fucking stupid. I’m worse than a fucking toddler. Toddlers at least learn from their mistakes. I keep making the same ones. Over. And. Over. And. Over.

It’s like I don’t even fucking care that I’m ruining my fucking life, and I do. Trust me. This fuck-up will eat away at me for months, at the very least. There are some things I did when I was eleven that are still torturing me.

You’d think that with the way I beat myself up over everything, I’d learn a little. Apparently not. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can’t I ever make a good decision for once in my fucking life?! And believe me, I am responsible for all of these decisions.

I swear, whenever I start to do a little better in one part of my life, it’s like I’m like, “well, I guess I don’t have to work hard to get everything else as good as it can be.”

I was just thinking that, all of the shit I do to people, I hope someone does it to me someday, because I deserve it. But then I thought, no, I don’t. Because then I would feel like, in some way, I was redeemed by the same thing happening to me. And I don’t deserve that.

I wish I could literally beat myself up.

-Sam

Cars And Other Oldest Child Problems

Hey. I don’t thing I mentioned this, but a few months ago, I got my driving permit. I’ve decided not to take Driver’s Ed (I’m not required to as I’m eighteen) because the cost of the actual classes would amount to more than the discount on insurance I would receive. Anyway, I’ve been driving my dad’s old Honda Fit around. When he bought his new truck, he didn’t trade in the Honda because I was going to start driving soon. Well, I was talking to my mom about something (I don’t remember what) when it was brought up that when I move out, I’m going to have to buy another car so my brother can drive the Fit.

First, let me just say that I kinda get where she’s coming from. They already have a car for my brother to learn to drive in. However, as my little sister is five years younger than my brother, it’s not like she’ll be driving anytime soon after he is. Meaning he most likely won’t have to buy another car when he moves out since he’ll probably get to just take the Fit with him. So basically, just because I’m the oldest child, I’m going to have to buy my own car.

It’s freaking ridiculous. If anything, it should be the other way around, since I’m the oldest. I’d also say that my parents should save it for my other two little siblings to drive, since that makes sense, even though they’re five and seven years younger than my brother, but my parents will probably be like, “well, Amanda’s still five years away, why shouldn’t Roman keep the car” because they pull stuff like that all the time. I kinda feel like a brat for complaining, so let me reiterate: I’m not complaining about me not being able to keep the Honda, I’m upset that my brother most likely will be allowed to keep it just because there is a larger age gap between him and the next kid to start driving.

This is just one more annoyance to add the my ongoing mental “Oldest Child Problems” list. I get really pissed off when my little siblings complain about not being the oldest child, because seriously, I get not being able to do everything your older sibling can do, because I was always wicked close to my cousin who’s older than me by a few years, but when you’re siblings, there’s really not a lot that the parents don’t allow the slightly younger sibling to do if the older sibling can. Pretty much anything I’m allowed to do, so can my brother, and it’s always been that was, unless it was like a legal issue or something, like driving before you’re sixteen. When I first started sitting in the front seat, I was forced to take turns with my brother, even though I’m two years older than him and he has always been underweight. When I was allowed to ride my bike alone, so could Roman. When I got the new Gameboy, so did he. We always had the same bedtime, except for now, because I’m eighteen and no longer in school while he has to be in bed by 10:30 on school nights. However, he rarely, if ever, follows this rule, and it’s really not enforced by my parents. When I still had a bedtime, if it were even five minute past and I wasn’t in bed yet, I would be in trouble.

I’m just baffled by the blatant differences in my parents’ treatment of my siblings versus me. I don’t understand how it can be so much different. I get that we’re all different and thus should be reprimanded differently and treated differently in different situations, but to an extent. My sister is eleven, and I know for a fact that when I was ten, I was folding laundry, because I accidentally said “crap” in front of my mom while switching it over once (and my siblings say crap and worse all the time and are mostly just left alone or given a minor slap on the wrist). My sister has no chores at all except for sometimes bringing the hamper down to the laundry room, sometimes cleaning the bunny’s cage, and very rarely scooping the cat litter (not even changing it, just scooping). AJ is nine and has no chores at all. He doesn’t even have to clear his own plate from the table (neither does Amanda).

I guess I just don’t understand why there’s such a huge difference. Am I the only one who feels this way? Let me know in the comments.

Okay, I’ve gotta go. It’s Camp NaNoWriMo, and I have to get writing. Bye!

-Sam