About That Dream I Had Last Night

Hey. I haven’t slept in about three days. Before that, I slept for one night, and then hadn’t for the three days prior to that night. Well, not really. I mean, I’ve been able to get half-asleep, to the point where I start to dream, but I’m not actually sleeping. It’s wicked annoying.

So last night, in my half-asleep state, I had a dream that has left me feeling peaceful all day. There’s really no other word to describe it. I was at a picnic table with my mom, who was sitting across from me. My three siblings were there, too, except they were just in the background. My two friends from the Lion’s Club, Dawn and Jeff, were sitting at the picnic table behind me. I was talking to my mom (I don’t remember about what), and I looked down at the table for a second, and when I looked up, my grandma and grandpa were standing there, to the right of my mom.

Mammy & Papa Cropped

Yes, I know I use this picture a lot, but I just love it.

Now, if you remember, I’ve posted before about how my mom’s parents are both dead. Mammy died in June of 2010, and Papa died in March of 2015. So, in this dream, my dead grandparents are suddenly standing right in front of me. They weren’t angels or anything, and don’t exactly have a heavenly glow around them, but I could tell they were appearing from heaven. I mean, aside from the fact that they’re both dead. They just gave off this aura. I don’t know how to explain it.

As soon as I saw them, I started crying, and when I say (type?) crying, I mean big, ugly sobs. I wasn’t sad, though. I mean, I wasn’t crying because all of a sudden I was filled with this intense happiness, either, like people sometimes talk about, but I wasn’t grieving. The best explanation I can think of is that, in my dream, I was just filled with so much love and awe. I don’t really know.

Anyway, my mom was really worried because I suddenly just started crying my eyes out for no apparent reason, and kept asking me what was wrong. I leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, “I see Mammy and Papa. They’re both standing right there, smiling.” A couple tears slid out of her eyes, and somehow I knew I was the only one who could see them. I leaned back and said to Dawn and Jeff, “I see Mammy and Papa.”. Still sobbing, I looked back at Mammy and Papa and smiled at them. I looked back to Dawn and Jeff and say that they had started to cry, too.

When I looked back, Mammy was gone, and Papa was alone, still smiling and waving at me. Then, he started to fade away, although “fade” isn’t really the right word, exactly. It was more like he was morphing into a bright, soothing, yellow light. After he was gone, I stared at where they were standing, still sobbing more intensely than I ever had before, but feeling extremely at peace, and that was the end of the dream.

It was so nice to see my grandparents again, even in a dream. I was telling my mom about it today, and she said that it seems like Mammy and Papa visited me in a dream, that it wasn’t just my brain coming up with a random scenario for a dream. I’d like to think she’s right.

I’d say I had a pretty amazing start of 2017, wouldn’t you?

-Sam

And People Wonder Why I’m Always Pissed….

Hey. I haven’t even been eighteen for two weeks and my life is already spiraling back to the same hellish state it’s been for years. Freaking Amanda, my sister (she’s ten now), just can’t help herself from making up lie after lie about me to get me in trouble, and my parents just eat it up, because God forbid Sam ever be allowed to not be the “problem child.” Screw that. Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to coexist with these assholes if they don’t even let me try and be good?!

I’d been doing much better at controlling myself in the midst of all of this bullshit for awhile, but these past few days have been harder. I don’t know why. All I know is that I can’t wait to get my shit together and get the hell out of here. I’m so fucking tired of being the family scapegoat for fucking everything! It’s always my fault, somehow. Doesn’t matter if I’m in a different room, or not even home, everything always ends up back at me. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up. Fuck this.

And, of course, anyone who observes this always assumes that my parents are automatically right and always have some prior reason to be extra pissed off at me this time. I can’t even really vent to anyone because they always blame me! I want to scream and cry and punch holes into walls and kick down doors and a bunch of other super-destructive shit like taking a baseball bat and smashing shit, but it’s not like I can do any of that, and imagining karma coming back to bite them in their asses isn’t really cutting it anymore. One of these days I’m just gonna snap, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen then. I really don’t. It scares me, it truly does.

Fuck this shit.

-Sam

P.S. I’m not gonna kill myself or my family or anything (because apparently I need to clarify this). Honestly, I think that would be a cop-out. Really not my style. I’m more of a flip-’em-the-bird, fuck-you-all-I-succeeded-despite-all-of-your-bullshit person, anyway.

And Another Year Passes….

Hey. I’m sorry for not posting in pretty much over a year. Yeah, there’s been a post thrown in here or there, but not like I used to. I know I’ve said this before, but this time I’m really going to try to change that. My absence from this blog… well, I think posting is actually a helpful outlet for all the crap going on in my life.

In less than twelve hours from now, my grandfather will have been dead for a year. I still haven’t cried except for, like, literally less than two minutes right after I walked into his wake and saw his body lying in the casket. When my grandma died, she had already been cremated for her wake— all I saw was the urn. This, clearly, was different.

Mammy & Papa Cropped

I’m a crier. Not purposely, because I can’t control it— it’s just who I am. I cry when I’m upset. I cry when I’m sad. When I’m frustrated. Pissed off. Sometimes that irritates the hell out of me, because when I’m so pissed that I can literally feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins I really don’t want to cry because I want to keep my shit together in order to be taken seriously. That being said, you would think that I would’ve been able to cry about my grandpa, right? I mean, I cried for my grandma. But nope. Of course not.

You know, it kinda makes me wonder if I’m a horrible person, because how can a crier not cry over the death of someone they absolutely adored?! And yeah, I’ve heard all of the crap about how everyone grieves differently and how not everyone cries and blah blah blah, and I get it. I really do. But I’m still me. Granted, I’m now a sixteen- and seventeen-year-old me as opposed to an eleven- and twelve-year-old me, but still.

I’m a crier, and I haven’t cried for my dead grandpa. And he’s been dead for a year as of less than twelve hours from now.

But I think I want to be done discussing my slightly-worrisome lack of tears, so. Yeah.

In December, I binge-watched all ten-and-a-half seasons of Bones. Damn. That show is freaking AMAZING! But ugh, seriously! I CANNOT believe it took Booth and Brennan six freaking seasons to finally stop being stupid and realize they’re in love! SIX. FREAKING. SEASONS! Although, I did get a somewhat-popular post on Tumblr out of it:

Waiting For Booth And Brennan To Realize They're In Love

And yes, I know, 27 notes is kind of nothing, but for me, that’s the most attention any of my social media posts have ever gotten from complete strangers, which for some reason feels like an accomplishment.

I’ve just started watching Scandal on Netflix, too. I’m currently a little over halfway through the first episode of Season 4. God, Shonda Rhimes is a freaking genius! Seriously, I’m hooked! Jeez, she’s just so freaking amazing. Which kinda, you know, sucks, with her being an evil genius who lives to crush the hopes and dreams of all her viewers and all. Yeah… I’m a lost cause. There’s no going back! 🙂

Well, that’s it for now. I’m going to get back to watching Scandal. Plus, I’m trying to hang out with my friend S.B. tonight, so I’m going to go for now. Bye!

-Sam

Just To Clarify….

Hey. I know my last post may have seemed full of hatred toward my sister; however, that is not the case. While, yes, I was super pissed at her for acting the way she did and getting me into a shitload of trouble, I love her more than life itself. She’s my little sister and I would give my life for her in a heartbeat. She’s just a fucking asshole at times (but aren’t we all?).

Ugh. I’ve been sick literally this entire fucking month! I missed every single school day from Friday, October 30, through and including the entire next week. My first day back was last Monday. And, top it off, I’m fucking sick again! My throat is fucking killing me, and MY ENTIRE FUCKING BODY HURTS!! I can’t deal with this! Ugh!

-Sam

My Annoying, Manipulative, Conniving Little Sister

Hey. I’m back, hopefully for good this time. I’ve been neglecting this for well over a year now, and I’ve come to realize just how soothing it really is to post all of my shit here. God, where do I even start…?

Well, I suppose I’ll start with right now. My fucking sister, Amanda. She’s nine now. I’ve never been anywhere near as fucking pissed off at her as I am at this moment and have been recently. My mom brought my two brothers to football practice, where my dad already was, so me and Amanda were gonna stay home alone. She was to do her homework and I was to do mine. Okay, sure. Fair enough. Right?

Yeah, well, literally the second my mom closes the front door, Amanda starts being bitchy. Her new ploy to get me in trouble is to pretty much make up a whole fucking argument with me in her head, where she’s actually yelling at me in real life but I’m still SILENTLY SITTING IN THE FUCKING RECLINER WHILE TYPING MY HOMEWORK. Remember, my mom hasn’t even been out of the house for a fucking minute yet. So I turn to look at her and say simply, “Do your homework.” I’m actually quite proud of myself for keeping myself so calm.

Anyways, she does that fucking little pretend gasp thing that you really only see the shallow, bitchy girl in all those stupid Disney movies do. “That’s it, I’M telling MOM!” So my sister seriously fucking sprints to the front door, rips it open, and runs out after my mom (who isn’t even in her fucking car yet!!), screaming how I’m already yelling at her and telling her to shut up.

Excuse me?!

Naturally, my mom believes the little conniving nine-year-old over her eldest, seventeen-year-old daughter who was left in charge and hadn’t moved an inch since she walked out the door. I hear her yell my name – “Samantha Rose Murphy, get out here right now!” – and I go over to the door just in time to get yelled at about how I better not give Amanda any crap and to just leave her alone. After about five or ten “OKAY, Mom!”s, my sister and I are back inside again and my mom gets in her car and drives away.

I tell Amanda, “Okay, you heard Mom, start getting that homework done.” What does she say to me in return, you ask? Why, a fierce “shut up!” of course. Taking a deep breath to try and keep my cool (which is definitely starting to slip by now), I say to her something along the lines of, enough with the attitude, I’m the babysitter, I’m in charge, just do your homework so I can leave you alone. “Don’t make me call Mom!” she threatens, and I’m almost unable to stop myself from laughing, but luckily I hold it in, telling her to go ahead, try it, before turning back to my computer.

She proceeds to search the house for the next five minutes, looking for one of our house phones. When she finds it, she calls my mom’s cell. The first time, she leaves a message, and is (no joke) in the middle of telling the answering machine how I screamed at her to shut up and how I’m just being a big jerk to her. I call over very, very calmly and tell her to stop making up stories. She SCREAMS at me “SHUT UP!!!!” while still talking to the answering machine and starts screaming/crying. You know, that screeching kids do when they’re trying to fake sob? Yeah, that.

She then redials my mom’s number. This time, my mom picks up. Amanda goes straight into her act, telling my mom, “Mooooooommmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy, Sammi’s being a big jerk! She’s yelling at me and calling me names and telling me to shut up!”

Which, might I remind you, is a total, 100% lie. Seriously. I am NOT making this up. Honestly? I wish I were….

My mom tells her to “put your sister on the phone right now!” Already having another handheld right next to me, I press talk and tell Amanda to hang up since I’m on with the other phone. Naturally, she yells “NO!” and of course my mom doesn’t care. She goes right into shouting at me to take my stuff and get into my room and don’t interact with Amanda and just leave her alone. I will admit that I reached my limit during this “conversation” (more like sentencing!) and snapped. I yelled at my mom over the phone, “She’s lying! Really, Mom, I’ve literally done nothing except tell her to do her homework and not be a little brat to me!”

My mom ends up screaming back at me, “I DON’T CARE, JUST GET INTO YOUR ROOM, AND IF I GET ANOTHER CALL I’M COMING BACK TO GET HER AND THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!!!” Of course, we exchange more than just that summarization, but you get the point. I hang up and proceed to my room where I very gently close the door so I don’t accidentally slam it in my anger.

Anyways, about ten, fifteen minutes later, my mom bangs on my door. I’m super confused and ask her “why are you here, you said you weren’t gonna get her unless there was another problem?” to which she responds “maybe just think about it!” Very meanly, might I add. She then proceeds to yell in my face (literally – her toes were touching mine) to make sure I shower, do the dishes, and send my homework to her (because God forbid I actually send it to just my teacher, right? Nooooooo, cuz I would totally be lying about that unless she fucking sees it which is stupid because she’s so fucking technologically inept I get in trouble because she doesn’t know how to fucking open and view my work anyways!!). She then wordlessly turns and slams the front door on her way out, refusing to acknowledge me asking “what the hell just happened?!?!” Of course, I don’t ask like that since I don’t swear at all in front of her, but still.

And so is the story of my life. I wish I could say this is a rare, even isolated occurrence, but, alas, it is not. Not even close. I have to deal with this shit every single day! Sometimes I’m actually stumped how I haven’t literally exploded and how my guts don’t cover the walls of my house yet.

I’ll try to start doing the whole blog thing regularly again. Like, I said, I miss you guys. Later.

-Sam

P.S. Oh yeah, and on top of everything else, I’ve been sick since early Friday morning. Yeah, like I even have the fucking energy to be a fucking asshole to you, Amanda….

I Need Your Help

Hey. So, my family and I have lived in our current home for over eleven years now. Our rent, when added with our usual monthly bills and stuff, consumes almost all of my family’s monthly income. My mom is working a lot of hours per week, at two separate jobs, while somehow continuing to be the primary caretaker of my three younger siblings, as well as the person who keeps the house organized and prevents all hell from breaking loose. My dad, who has very severe chronic pain, hasn’t been able to work for many years (I think it’s been more than four…), and often is unable to help out in his already-limited everyday household happenings, like cooking dinner, driving to the store and stuff, or even helping Amanda (eight years old) and AJ (6 years old) with their homework. I have ADHD, anxiety (which causes OCD), and chronic Lyme, and have also just recently been diagnosed on the low end of the spectrum for Asperger’s (which may also be causing ODD and a mood disorder). Although I do my best to pitch in, I’m not always, um, helpful, and typically my attempts to help out… well, they ultimately add to the chaos (I’m always working on that). My uncle also lives with us on weekends, and my family also includes Burban and Popsicle, a cat and a hamster.

We’re doing very badly financially, frankly. I’m used to it, because we’ve had very little money for the majority of my life. However, even disregarding the fact that it’s never been this bad, no one should have to worry about keeping their children warm and fed with a roof over their heads, and I can’t stand to see my parents so stressed all the time. My mom is even having blood pressure problems because of this.

Getting back to our house, it has many problems for us. For one, we don’t fit in it, leaving my littlest siblings to share a room (which is very detrimental to them, especially to their sleep and right to privacy), and my parents to have their bed downstairs in a musty-smelling half-way room with no door, separated by the TV by only half of a half wall. Also, our house is very, very poorly insulated, our basement leaks every time a small drizzle happens, and our appliances break constantly because our landlord only fixes them half-assed every time, and never has an expert or professional come look at it. Adding to this is the fact that our house is home to an unknown number of mice, insects, stupid stupid spiders, and many other unwanted things… including mold. My mom believes this is adding to my family’s health issues, including asthma and allergies, which we all have, some of use very severely (we regularly need to use our nebulizer for asthma, for example). Though we’ve been looking for opportunities to move for years, we’ve had no luck.

Until now.

We’ve been offered an affordable housing option that will suit almost all of our family needs, which is located in a great neighborhood for my siblings to grow up. The only problem is, we may not be able to make it happen. We currently don’t have enough money to even begin paying for closing costs. With Christmas being less than 30 days away, and the timeline for this being we would move in around January or February, we are in desperate need of a miracle. I’m asking you to please help.

Please share this link everywhere and anywhere you possibly can, and encourage your friends to do the same. It leads to a fundraising page to help with the costs of this amazing opportunity. Please consider donating if you are able to do so, as every bit counts. I can’t imagine coming this close and losing it all.

Thank you so much for your time! Bye!

-Sam

I’ll Fix The Four Month Lack In Posts Soon

Hey! I’m so sorry you haven’t seen an update in about four months, and I’m working on fixing that right away. I have no idea what happened to all of my posts that I’ve published since the last visible one on this blog, but if I need to re-type some of them, I will. Ugh. This was a shock, to say the least. I was adding a new widget to the blog (see sidebar to the right), and, as always, I went to my blog’s home page to see if the link showed up correctly. I had NO IDEA that none of my posts have showed up since August!

A lot has happened since then, and I mean A LOT. But, like I said before, I’ll tell you everything in other posts. Right now, I just wanted to make you all aware that I’m still here and still posting. I’m going to go work on one now, just to prove it to you. It should be up fairly quickly. Bye!

-Sam